Cold Hearted Snake

Where do I begin? I'll summarize and then get to the juicy part. Up at 1:30 AM, back up at 7:00, prunes, Grammie's at 9:00, work, pick up Ollie. Finally, before the big show one small disclaimer: I'm fully aware that most pictures do not depict the events very well. This is not intentional, but I refused to get closer to document the specimen. I'll attempt to give reference points for clarification where needed. Now, on with the show!

Picture it. My house 1:45. I'm nosing the car into the driveway when I notice a long, foreign object stretched out directly in front of my parking space. My first thought: "That can't be what I think it...OH MY GOD IT IS!" You guessed it! A SNAKE! And not just a tiny snake. It was somewhere between 3 and 53 feet long. Now, anybody who has known me for more than a couple of days knows my irrational fear of snakes, and has probably heard my rambling tales of run-ins with the nasty creatures.

My gut reaction was to throw the car in reverse and fly back to Grammie's. She was really surprised to see Ollie and me crashing through her door. I can only imagine the look on my face as I held my sweet baby with a death grip, subconsciously protecting him from the evil intruder. All I said was, "I can't go home! Can we stay here?" After filling her in on the details, Grammie came up with a plan. I think she was looking forward to an afternoon of peace and quiet, and that didn't involve me nervously rocking back and forth in the corner holding Ollie.

So Grammie touched up her lipstick, grabbed Dorothy Louise's cane, and confidently walked toward our house. Ollie and I followed in the car, inching along. I didn't want to see that evil thing again, but I think I feared even more the thought of it not being there and having no idea where it went. Just for reference, the snake is alongside the Jeep next to the foundation wall.

Next, I took Ollie inside (through the front door) and put him in his swing where he fell asleep almost immediately, and thankfully stayed there throughout the entire episode. After he was secured, I headed to the basement to let Betsy out, hoping she would nudge Mr. Slithers along his way. I cautiously opened the basement door bracing myself to slam it shut and assuming the snake would attempt to attack me at any moment. Come to find out, Betsy has a snake phobia too. As soon as she sniffed it, her tail tucked between her legs, her head dropped, and she darted back into the basement, nearly knocking me down as she came through the door. This whole time, the snake didn't so much as budge. On to plan B.

Meanwhile, Grammie gathered a chair and was watching guard to make certain it didn't escape without us knowing where it went. I'm still not sure what the deal is with Grandma's cane, but Grammie never did put it down. Besides, I wasn't about to question her method considering I wasn't prepared to take any action. At this point, I mustered up the courage to open the basement door just enough to make room for my hand, and attempt to get a decent picture. The things I do for my readers!

Grammie's confidence waned away with Betsy's display of cowardice. Plan B became waiting for Jordan to come home from school and enlist his help. I also called Grandpa to see if he could stop on his way through too. Now it was a waiting game. I took this opportunity to tell Grammie all of my scary snake stories, hoping she would understand my phobia. I could probably start another blog just to tell those horrific tales, but I certainly do not want to relive them any more than necessary.

Jordan finally drove by and we flagged him down. Grammie and Jordan surveyed the situation and came up with a plan involving a BB gun. I considered the possible damage to Daisy the Jeep, but I knew she would understand and be willing to be a casualty. I dug out the gun, but couldn't find ammunition except for the few BB's already loaded.


This plan didn't even budge the squatter so we had to consider using more force. In order to do this it was necessary to move the Jeep. Unfortunately, I was the only person capable of driving a standard transmission on a steep incline, so I was going to have to enter the vehicle with the snake hanging outside the driver's side door. Out of desperation, I found the courage to climb in the passenger door and crawl over the gear shift to get into the driver's seat, while the snake lurked almost within arm's reach. As I sat down, I caught a glimpse of the invader and jumped. This is quite possibly the closest I've ever been to a snake voluntarily.

I moved the Jeep without bodily injury, but believe me, I'm still experiencing post traumatic mental issues. I won't go into details as to what happened to Mr. Slithers, but I will say that my dear nephew "took care" of the problem and he won't be bothering me or Ollie anymore. As things were winding down, Grandpa pulled up. Note the length of the intruder on the right.

Just as the drama was coming to an end and I was promising my helpers some peanut butter cookies for their efforts, Ollie woke up. Grandpa filled him in on the details of the events and shook his head at the absurdity of my reaction the entire time. At least there were not policemen involved in the snake episode like some from my past. Maybe some day I'll learn to love or at least tolerate the creepy reptiles, but I'm sure that would only be possible with many years of psychotherapy.

This episode of The Mollie and Ollie show is dedicated to Jordan and Grandpa for their heroic efforts and Grammie for her moral support. Thanks to you all! The cookies are on the way.